Are We Expecting Enough from Our Children?
Thursday, 2 July 2009
Toni Meredith, Marine & Family Services Divisions

The most important job is also the most difficult and complex: parenting. Parenting requires patience, skill, good timing, energy (often unending energy), and wisdom. Children respond well to leadership and consistency. They need to know what to expect and what is expected of them. They can and do adjust to multiple caretakers, different personal styles, and expectations. They are excellent observers and they’re flexible. They do what we do, not what we say so it is important to model our values. For instance, children reflect the speech and manners in their home. When we use a well modulated tone of voice and preface requests with please and end with “thank you”, children do the same. We are teaching them about the world from conception onward by everything that we do and by what we avoid doing.

Parents cannot control the environment outside of home but they can make it a safe learning environment to prepare children to embark into the world. They do this by making the family atmosphere one of open communication and experimentation.

Children need to make as many decisions as possible from toddlerhood onward. Bedtime! Do you want a piggy-back ride or do you want to hold my hand as we walk up the stairs? Do you want to wear the green shirt or the yellow one? Would you prefer Cheerios or Grape Nuts for breakfast? After chores on Saturday, we can go to the park, to the movies, or to Grandmother’s. Which would you like to do? They should not be asked for their opinion if it won’t be considered. If the plan is to go to Grandmother’s on Saturday afternoon, then the child doesn’t get to vote. Don’t pretend. Children need to be included in conversations and family meetings. They do well when they see that their opinions and ideas are important enough for the family to hear. They do not need to have the other family members let them make the decisions just to have their preferences considered along with those of everybody else.

It needs to be clear that there are many decisions which parents make; such as what time to go to bed and get up, what is on the menu, and where the family goes on vacation. It is important to communicate that the world is exciting and that part of the excitement is learning competency by doing things, receiving correction and/or validation, and developing a sense of independence. Children need to know that they are learning and gaining self-sufficiency on a daily basis. They need to know when to improve behavior and when they are doing well. Correcting a child does not improve their behavior if you use a critical tone of voice. Learning is a process, and mistakes, miscalculations, and poor judgment are a part of the process.

Children need to be acknowledged and heard. They need to get feedback to encourage and shape their thinking. They need to have honest responses so that they develop confidence and the ability to learn to take care of themselves. Whatever they need from others, they need to learn to do for themselves as they are ready and as it is age appropriate. This does not mean that we should parentify children and have them taking care of adults. It means with adequate preparation and training they can take on household tasks. A child of five can set the table and help to clear the dishes. A child of seven can load the dishwasher. A child of twelve can prepare a simple meal for the family. A child of fifteen can take charge of the family laundry. The more the child is able to contribute, the more self esteem he develops. He knows that he is needed and that the other family members depend on him, as he depends on them. Their experience then, is that the world is a place of cooperation and interdependence. This is a healthy and positive worldview.

Marine & Family Services Division offers services and resources to assist you in the most important job: parenting. To learn more, call (760) 577-6533 or visit Building 129.